I told myself yesterday.

Now I’m sitting here, in bed, contemplating getting up at all.

I’m not sure if these are things I tell myself to get me through my already anxiety-filled day, or if they’re my genuine attempts to be productive. These are not even things that keep me up at night, they’re things I think of the entire day(s) leading up to the day I’m supposed to be being productive. Saturday’s are my one day off and sometimes, absolutely, I do deserve a day to just stay in bed and laze around the house. But sometimes, I need to get my ass in gear and do something to better myself. I thought today would be one of those days.

Today I was going to wake up and do some yoga with my fav gal Adrienne on Youtube. I was going to clean the house, meal prep, make a healthy breakfast AND do a little hike up Knox Mountain! I gave myself options too, maybe I’d just go for a nice walk (it’s beautiful out right now btw) to my favourite local cafe, grab a latte and a muffin and head back home to work on my blog etc. I still haven’t left the house. It’s noon. Which actually, the fact that I’m up right now, is a significant improvement from how I used to be. That should make me proud… motivated… and it did! Several weeks ago when my body first started waking up before people were eating lunch. But now I’m faced with the challenge of picking myself up off the bed, getting ready for the day and physically doing something.

Am I too nervous to face the world right now? What do I possibly think is going to happen if I step out alone for a walk around my neighbourhood? You know what I truly am scared of? I fricken hate knowing that strangers can judge me. How many people are actually even looking my direction- Ever??? Maybe half of one person. But it’s true! It’s the way we’re wired! Well, some of us. To think we are always being monitored, always on display, always being picked apart piece by piece. We’re not. Deep down I know we’re not. But I can’t just walk into a restaurant, store or any public place and not feel immediately and intensely scrutinized by everyone inside.

This hike that I’ve been wanting to do for a couple weeks now, it’s nothing huge, it’s a “mountain” in Kelowna and I want to be on top. Like all the pictures, and all the articles. It looks amazing! And don’t get me wrong, I love my alone time. BUT. My alone time, in my own comfortable home. NOT my alone time in a public place where everyone can study my idiosyncrasies. ESPECIALLY NOT my alone time where it involves being sweating and red-faced i.e. working out. That Lulu Lemon bag was right man, you really should do one thing a day that scares you. And thinking of hiking alone- while a fabulous idea in my mind yesterday and days before and even last night- is too terrifying. And not for the obvious reasons of getting lost etc. I couldn’t care less. For the reason that, I may be looked at the wrong way. Why? I don’t know.

I’m looking for a solution, I’m pushing myself every day. For instance, I hate hate hate hate hate getting my blood taken. But I needed to the other day, so I took the req form and just drove, got out of my car and just walked. Through a crowded place to a lab I had no clue where it was. And I did it! It’s the little victories for now. I embarked on the road less traveled a while ago, but sometimes it’s one step forward and two steps back. And sometimes it’s just baby steps.

In the meantime, here’s an amazing video about a woman who was braver than I think I’ll ever be. Who faces her fears- D A I L Y. By doing ONE thing a day that scares her. One BIG thing. Now, about that hike…